she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
