we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
