You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize