mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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