I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
