I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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