I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
