when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
