He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
