is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
