You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
