trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
