DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
