Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think your dad took our porno
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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