Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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