Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
