I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
