she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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