I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
