she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
