i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
