I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
