You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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