so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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