sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
