i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
