so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
