when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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