i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize