picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
