trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize