I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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