just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
