so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize