I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i came on her dog
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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