So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
