i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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