I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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