her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
