Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
