The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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