you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
