i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize