tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
