apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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