he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
