So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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