he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
