theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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