my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
