Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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