either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
