I skipped work to stalk him.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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