It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
