Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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