She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
