You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
