Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
